2346 Lilio

2346 Lilio is a pivotol asteroid belt discovered by french astronomer K. Reinmun, who subsquently discovered the apollo asteroids. However, I can guarentee anyone reading this blog entry has never heard of 2346 Lilio, nor probably would they care. However, as I have more frequent mental breakdowns due to the college process, I find myself being able to relate to Lilio. Just, here me out. Okay, so my GPA isn't stellar (pun intended) and I only have one extracurricular. I'm also a white kid who does not have an abusive, alcoholic father. I do not speak a foreign language fluently, nor do I have any direction for my life. All I know is that I enjoy being outside, and that I am extremely lost. And, to further exasorbate myself, on paper I am exactly the same as millions of other kids out there. There is no diversity. I am not a special little snowflake. I will probably blend in with everyone else. And yet, there is so much more. Even though they can't see that, truly, who I am, I am still an individual. I have read work from every author wikipedia characterizes as an influence in the transgressional literature movement.In tenth grade I wrote a term paper on the Lorković-Vokić coup, and it came 4th place in a term paper writing contest. Awards were given to first, second, and third place. I've been a strict vegetarian for 3 years, and have campaigned against slaughterhouses. I have every single album by the beatles, and have a signed album by the steve miller band. I would have been a member of the youth socialist organization of America for three years in a row, but I forgot to send in my dues the second year. I have been through turmoil, and I have had my own share of personal tragedy. And yet, I am the same as 2346 Lilio.
Although I think I may be great, I am not significant enough to be put into a text book. I'm not going to be the next harvard magna cum laude, and I probably won't be the next president (I don't meet age requirements). And I feel as if the message behind college is lost within the admission process. If you want to go to college to learn, and not party, you're in the minority. The key reasoning behind most student's choice to go to a university is their reputation - whether it be academic or socially inviting. So I'll just continue playing the politics of college, and hope that soon I'll be discovered and noted.
I hope that one day I shall not be judged on the basis of my accomplishments on a paper, but for the complexity of my character. I hope that other people in my situation can break from the constricting requirements of many institutions, and that I can still impact the world somehow.
P.s. - On an entirely different note, I find it extremely ironic that Fahrenheit 451 was banned in North Dakota for over 20 years. It's an entire novel about the future government banning (and burning) books because they could inspire critical thought. It's been banned because, in "Fahrenheit", one of the books that eventually gets burned is the Bible. But, I mean, the point of the book is to NOT BURN BOOKS AND THEREFORE THE BIBLE. Just sayin', it's common sense people. C'mon.
- Carson

Disenchantment

Sometimes there are defining moments in your life where you stand at a crossroads. The fork in the road is definitive of where you could be going, however neither path is nescessarily right or wrong. However, the road leading to the fork in the road is the past, the history, and cannot be changed. The crossroads, thus, become concrete, and you have to weigh your options for as they are right now, not on the basis of what you wish had happened.
Okay, so what I just typed means nothing without context. But, I find myself at a crossroads this very moment. Recently, I've been having "issues" with a friend of mine, one who has remained extremely close to me for a number of years. So, now, to let out frustration I'm going to address you personally.
Within the past few months, you have complained to me about how I don't try. I don't put effort into the relationship. How, essentially, its all my fault for our dwindeling relationship. But,you can't see it how I do try. I'm the one who always goes along with your friends. I'm the one who always goes along with your interests, even though you know I don't really care all that much. I'm the one who sits stagnant, writing college essays typically, while you go along with your plans.
I've never been under this much stress before in my life. Not to rant, but the work load for 18 college applications is extremely overwhelming. So I am not, particularly, in the best position to worry about our relationships. But, the times where I'm not at work are few and far between, so it meant alot to me that this time you would come visit MY friends. Come see MY interests, as oppossed to your own. That, maybe, you would see I do try, and that you could branch apart from your own social bubble, and come see my own. However, you didn't. You blew me off, even though it meant the world to me. And you chose your new friends over your old, just like you think I do time and time again. However, I've never chosen anyone over you, I've chosen working hard and pain over pleasure. However, you continually choose over me, even though you are not plaguaed by strenous work. You have chosen a crossroads in your life, whether you recognize that or not. You have chosen a path that does not require, perhaps, a moment of social silence, nor have you chosen a path to stress your work ethic. I, however, am choosing a different path. I am choosing a path that involves today being strenous so that tomorrow I can be happy. I believe you to be selfish in some circumstances, and jaded in others. So, just realize, you're on your own path with your own definitive friends. And I am on my own.
-Carson
P.s. - I'm thinking its going to be Noah's Ark version 2.0 soon. In order to save gas today, I believe I am just going to swim home. Might be more effective.

Senior Trip...to ENLIGHTENMENT

So, for the first time in my 17 years, I get to designate my very own vacation. Yes, that is correct, my own vacation. At the finally of my brother's senior year, our extremely rich uncle (which is also the name of a student loan company) sent him to Italy for two weeks with a meager FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS. I know I go to Alpharetta High school, and I'm far from impoverished, however I'm relatively sure my parents would look into arraigned marriages if it guaranteed them four thousand dollars. So, as it is only fair, at the conclusion of my senior year I will also have a "dowry", if you will, of four thousand dollars to go wherever my heart desires. But, I would characterize myself as one of those people who can not decide what they want to eat for dinner. So, how am I supposed to know where I could go, if I had the choice of anywhere? Well, as always, I'm looking through my 1001 page philosophy book for answers. And I'm also googeling trips under 4,000$.
If I want a catalyst of change in my life, which would be nice before college, I should establish something to make that happen. Therefore, ruling out any trip in the continental U.S. I've never actually left the US, so I want to actually take some time to get to know myself. Additionally, I want to find myself by finding nature. This is because A. naturalism and transcendentalism tell me this is true B. I am a hippie.
I'm just going to put this out there. The greatest tragic character of ALL TIME was not the lead character in a drama, short story, novel or novella. No, Chris McCandless was a real "character", and besides Holden, is the most compelling person I have ever encountered in written word. So there's this sense of innate humanness that compels me to run to Alaska, and test my strength there. To find myself among one of the greatest natural environments the Earth still has left. But, the other part of me yearns to make my own adventure, and not to emulate Chris's. And, REI adventures also turned up a new destination that seems extremely compelling: Kathmandu.
For a mere 2700$, plus airfare, I can spend 19 days trekking mount Everest with Sherpas, but the elevation is low enough that I probably won't die! In fact, I have to get my physician's approval before going on the trip, have to be over 18, and have to sign a document that says my family won't sue REI if I mysteriously die. But with an elevation of over 18000', I'm fairly unsure if I have it in me. But I think I'm still going to go for the gold here and sign up for the trip, because how many people can say they've climbed mount Everest?
All in all, I'm looking for a sense of adventure before going off to _____ (insert college name there, hopefully not Devry). I think the largest, tallest mountain on Earth can guarentee this for me. Also, I hope I return from the trip without frost bite or just...return from the trip. Anyways, I'm going to email my Uncle tonight and see if he'll allow for me to "touch the heavens".
Carson
P.s. - Really hoping if I go on this trip nothing bad happens. Chris McCandless is my idol, but I'm sort of shooting for a different fate.